Passivity

Some times, you get blinded for future prospects and things that you should strive to achieve. You find that you are being manipulated by the nature and nothing appears to be under your control. You feel that because of change, every good thing has either gone away or has been left behind.
You have no clue why you are at the place where you are, what you are doing, why you are doing what you are doing, and if it actually matters. You do not know what you want. All that you can do is just to go with the flow, and if at all you are conscious enough, hope for the flow to be laminar.
Some times, even that does not matter.

Whiners

Thank you Dorothy.

Erred

I feel that I am waiting for something that I am actually not looking forward to. I get a feeling that when the wait is over, it would be a mistake to go for it; Or perhaps, the mistake has already been made...

Connections

Connections suck; because losing them sucks more.
And to have connections that are permanent is impractical.

One can create a barrier in a hope to keep those connections away. It is never strong enough though. And eventually the connection is lost too. Now, harder one had tried to keep the barrier up, harder it is on them. There is this feeling of regret along with the obvious pain. And also the resolve that next time, this barrier will be stronger.

This post is dedicated to my fellows who will be leaving shortly.

It is not the best feeling to wake up knowing that no one around you cares whether or not you exist; and instead they are talking behind your back.

"Have you ever been in Love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable"
These are the lines by Neil Gaiman.

Hating people is easy. One doesn't have to depend upon anyone to hate them.

As they say, love is blind; It is not blind really. It is more like visually impaired with highly selective memory. It tends to see only what it wants and remembers what it wants. You tend to see only the positive aspects of the subject and ignore others. It ends up being a positive feedback loop.

What is worse is that as soon as you fall, desire is unavoidable. Desire of things that are obviously stupid to others.

Happy

Okay, I have been writing dark stuff, like, for ever.
This one is for a change.

I am happy today; since last night, in fact. And I mean happy, not amused. Happier than I've been for weeks. Months may be.
What happened goes like this...

I fellow of mine came to me yesterday because of some work related thing. I could feel that 'e was really troubled about something. Now I think that 'e is on a much higher level than me in terms of understanding of the subjective world (or 'clear funde' as we call it in an informal but fairly accurate way). Still, I really wanted to help. So I asked what it was, but tried to not use too much force. 'e told me what had been bothering 'im/'er. We talked about it and thought of what could be done to ease the situation. I was already happy that 'e counted on me to share 'is/'er feeling.
Today, 'e did what we had planned and it worked! It was only to a certain extent but I was delighted to see 'er/'im back to 'is/'er normal self.

It is a good feeling being able to convert someone's pain into ease. I am not really used to it so may be I am over reacting.

PS: I have tried to maintain that persons anonymity to the level of his/her gender. This may have affected the flow of the text(not that it could have been better anyway).

Aloofness

I can not agree more to the fact that I am an antisocial being, and I prefer being one. However, as I say this, this is not as simple as it may sound.

Staying disconnected and independent is not very straight forward. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, environment always affects you. You can only pretend to not care. Basically, you just try to stay away from something when you are uncomfortable with it. Other times, you do it because you are afraid that you would hurt others with your(prejudiced) views. There may be more. But what ever the case is, eventually you will just push the ones you care about - away. You can not blame others, mind it, from stopping to care about you. They would just be 'afraid' to bother you, at least in the beginning, and later, just ignore. You will be the one suffering. This is one paradox, and I fail to understand how to get out of it.
The choice is simple, though, if you just like being alone.

Are you an Expert?

..then, Listen.

I was in a workshop yesterday. It was a video conference across various centers of the company. The objective was to bring on the same page, the work different groups were doing (mostly related to my field), the way things have been going on, and a general outlook on where we are heading.

I met this fellow who flew in from the states. I had heard about him and that he was a specialist. During a break, we chatted about my work, the way I believed some things should proceed and how research in certain area could be helpful. This fellow appreciated my ideas, gave feedback wherever it was useful and even suggested whom I could contact if I needed to discuss further. But most importantly, he listened - very patiently.

Today, as I came in, I looked at his career profile and found that he is an expert of, in fact, a different subject; and holds Masters and Doctorate from the MIT!
This just reinforces my belief that only those who know stuff, can keep calm and appreciate others' views.

I am sure, his neural networks are more 'Complex' than average, yet he has to behave 'Simple' to prove it.